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This edition of the Ethan Gazette is brought to you by:
Mortimer Montgomery's Disposable Full Body Urine Shield!
Hello, friends. Have you been changing a baby lately, and found that you are covered with baby urine? Isn't that terrible? Here at Mortimer Montgomery's, we think that is terrible. You paid a lot of money for that shirt and those pants. Now they are stained forever with horrible baby urine which modern science has been unable to find a detergent to get rid of. But our lab people have been a toilin' and they have come up with the best solution possible: Mortimer Montgomery's Disposable Full Body Urine Shield. Perhaps you have tried other Full Body Urine Shields and found them unwieldy or you are allergic to wearing a suit made entirely of rubber. We understand that and so we make our Full Body Urine Shields out of high quality cotton that is highly throwawayable. Please buy some. You can get 5 of them for the price of 4. How much do 4 cost? Not very much. Only $20. Think of how much your shirt costs. Probably $20. So as you can see it makes complete logical and mathematical sense to wear one of these for each baby change. As our very own Mortimer Montgomery used to say - 'You show me a man that's getting peed on, and I'll show you a man with one less shirt.'
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And now, on with the Ethan Gazette, presented to you in bullet point format, the way gazettes should be formatted.
SPECIAL EDITION: AMERICAN GRANDPARENTS COME TO ENGLAND!
- The American Grandparents - Bob and Barbara - arrived on a Monday via Iceland, thankfully leaving the ash cloud there where it belongs, along with Bjork and Iceland's speciality dish of cod sperm, which is a real thing. Does it taste like chicken? This reporter does not want to know. Although if it came wrapped up next to a piece of avocado in a sushi roll, I'd try it. I met the Grandparents at Manchester airport, and shepherded their tired selves to the Abode Hotel in Manchester, a place so cool, you hang up all your clothes right next to the television!
THIS JUST IN! ETHAN IS BEING AN OVERTIRED JERK!!
You heard it here first in the Ethan Gazette, Baby Ethan, who was previously thought to be an Angel baby by his parents, has revealed what can only be his true nature in the last three evenings. We are certain that he will always sleep this way forever more, and that he's not just temporarily going through something. Even when he is 18, he will refuse to go to bed in just this way. There can be no other way to feel than this feeling. Despite attempts to responsibly introduce a relaxing routine of boob, bath, boob, bedtime, Ethan refuses to go down to bed. Reached for comment, Ethan had this to say:
AAAAHHHHH! WAAHHH! WAAAHHH! WAAAAHHH! COUGH, COUGH, COUGH - WAAAAHHH!
Ethan further responded with 3 shrieks, a pout, and a thin rivulet of vomit.
We now return you to the SPECIAL REPORT.
- American Grandparents and British Grandparents met and hit it off splendidly. The Grandpas discussed current events and books about war in a series of monologues while the American Grandmas talked about lady things. Or not. I admittedly did not pay too much attention to what they were talking about, because Ethan had started smiling, and all I could do was try to get one more hit of Baby Smile.
- American Grandma noted that diaper technology has changed in the 30 years since I've been in diapers, after Ethan managed to wet TWO of his outfits after she changed him. It must be said that American Grandma maintained her sunny disposition throughout all changes.
- American Grandma should rent her bosom out for naps. Ethan could always be found resting in a unrousable and highly cute state atop her chest.
- American Grandparents were subjected to our vegetarian diet at all times while in the house and even managed to suffer through a meal featuring asparagus! American Grandparents are known to have meat reserves on hand at all times in the form of jerky or cocktail shrimp but did not resort to these. OR DID THEY?
- The American Grandparents served as anthropologists and would like to pass on these findings of Britons:
1) The British people love to smoke.
2) The British ladies love to dye their hair red.
3) The British ladies also love to wear tights. Usually these are under dresses, but one lady in Chester decided that tights would suffice as pants and went about her strutty way. (I said STRUT)
4) The British believe that potatoes are an acceptable side dish ALWAYS. Are you having chicken parmigiana at Al Fredo's Fine Italian Dining? Then you're having some Grade A boiled potatoes on the side. What's that? You want pasta? Get our of here before we shove this Italian Side Dish of Spotted Dick down your pants!
5) British Waitstaff exist to take your order, at which point they disappear, probably to smoke and chat in the forums at tightsandfags.co.uk.
Well readers, that about does it for this SPECIAL EDITION of the Ethan Gazette. Stay tuned for the next edition which will feature stories on Ethan's laughter, sleep patterns, urine arcs and more!
Clad in a Mortimer Montgomery's Full Body Urine Shield,
Jason, father and only staff writer on the Ethan Gazette
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