Welcome to the Ethan Gazette, Volume 8, the finest source for all Ethan news anywhere in the world, except for Burkina Faso, where they’ve been doing some excellent reporting. Is that a real place? I will not be checking. Okay, I’ve checked. It’s in Africa. Did you know that? It just sounded like some fake place, like El Dorado or “Connecticut.”
Anyway, fine, yes, it’s been 7 weeks since the last Ethan Gazette. There’s a perfectly good reason for there not being a new Ethan Gazette other than a case of writer’s block and it’s completely plausible. I was in my local supermarket on the hunt for ice cream to beat the heat, or what passes for heat in England, which is anything above about 70 degrees Fahrenheit, or about 300 Celsius or whatever. I was delighted to see that Ben and Jerry’s Fossil Fuel flavor finally came out here. I was looking at the nutritional information saying to myself, ‘The only thing that’s going to stop me from eating you is if my arms fall off.’ And RIGHT THEN an ironic tiger jumped out of nowhere and mauled both my arms off. Now I feel terrible that I was the Snarky Commenter of the Month on the Supermarket Maulings blog. So: Let’s all just agree that that’s what happened. The next several Ethan Gazettes I will have to type with my nose, but I will do this. I will do it.
While the Ethan Gazette is an honest and true portrait of our parenting adventure withEthan, it’s also a cynical attempt at a cash-milking machine, which is why we are once again sponsored by Mortimer Montgomery. Have a gander at their latest life-changing technology.
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Hello, friends. Are you having trouble with energy bills? When you get them in the email or in the mail mail are you filled with despair or do you put your hands into your pockets and then pull your pockets all the way out revealing that you are only rich enough to afford dust? If so then prepare to be delighted by the latest offering by our subterranean, vegan, hairless lab workers: Mortimer Montgomery’s Possticityä Posset-Powered Electricity Converter. Yes that is right, your baby’s posset, vomit and drool can be turned into electricity, like Rumpelstiltskin turning straw into gold but without the creepy blackmailing dwarf. It has been shown in a scientific way that posset is one of the most fuel-efficient fuels on the planet. Just 5ml of baby posset can power an average lamp for we are guessing 500 years. You will not live that long but isn’t it nice to know that your lamp light will? Simply collect your baby’s mouth offerings with our Possticityä Gas-Powered Syphon and then transfer your collection into the Possticityä Reservoir. Press the activator button and through a combination of negative ions and pure ivory extract what was once your baby’s drool is now powering your BluRay. Finally, your baby is good for something. This incredible device can be yours for a miniscule cost of $9,283. How much would it cost you to run that lamp for 500 years straight? Probably $9,500. It is obvious that you should get one. As Mortimer Montgomery used to say, ‘Show me a man that leaves a lamp on all day, and I’ll show you a man who doesn’t trip over things as much.’
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And now, presenting the latest news in Ethan’s life in bullet point format, the way that all gazettes should be.
- Last week, Ethan was momentarily possessed by the spirit of a frenzied cat, because there’s no way human vocal cords could or should make the sound that screeched out of him. He was upset that I would dare to put his shirt on for the day, something that only happens around the same time Every. Single. Day. As soon as the shirt is on, he’s fine that the shirt is on. But having it put on is the most terrible thing that’s happened to him in his whole baby life. I have suggested to him that he try to distribute some of his body weight to areas other than his increasingly fat baby head so that it’s a more pleasant experience for everyone, but he is deaf to suggestions.
- If I could afford a Mortimer Montgomery’s Possticityä Posset-Powered Electricity Converter, I could power everything in England at this rate and then go on to solve the oil crisis. At the risk of overstating the drooling situation we’re in, Ethan is The Drooliest. He is the Niagara Falls of drooling. If Niagara Falls and Victoria Falls had a Baby Waterfall, Ethanwould out-drool that baby. It does not stop. His mouth is constantly glistening, his bibs are overwhelmed within minutes, and his hands are slimier than a greased whale. We love to indulge him in a round of SuperEthan, where he’s propped up on our shins and gets to fly through the air, but our pleasure is mitigated by the 2-foot strings of drool that dangle impressively from his mouth before pooling on our clothes.
- In the last Ethan Gazette, I offered our services as expert jewel heisters. (None of you have taken us up on the offer.) I thought that any bang or bump or stumble would wake Ethan up. I went to bed the other night in my usual slow-motion, only to find that Sara was snoring loud enough to wake a dead person who was buried with headphones on. Ethan, however, slept on completely unfazed. Finally, I thought, we can have our Gong Parties again.
- Already, whenever I see another parent, I smile this Knowing Smile. And that smile says: Yeah, I have a kid, too. I get it. I know about parenting. All of it. We’re in The Club. And whenever I see a baby younger than Ethan, or a pregnant lady, I want to flash that expression that I’ve had flashed at me. The expression that says, ‘Oh boy you are in for a lot of work but you’re going to be so in love and appreciate every minute because it goes so fast and try to sleep when the baby sleeps and it gets easier but it also gets harder and you think [insert baby age here] is hard wait until SEVENTEEN weeks…’
- Ethan has already spoken his few first words including dog, gay and hi. He especially loves to say Hiiiiiiiiii!!!!!! But now that I think about it, isn’t hai a Japanese expression! There can be no other explanation: Ethan is already bilingual and therefore the world’s smartest baby. So, given that Ethan can already speak in several(?) languages, I figured it was only right to allow him to take his first foray into writing. Ethan and I talk about many issues every day from the economy to philosophy to why beards feel so funny on the bottom of his baby feet. I offered Ethan his very own column in this Ethan Gazette and he accepted by exclaiming, ‘GAY HIIIIIII!!!!’ and then adding, “Ooooo!!!!” Ethan didn’t want to tell me what it was about before he wrote it and I have not offered any editorial control. So here, debuting his column for the first time, is my precious baby with the 6-syllable name,Ethan Harry Warner:
Guest columnist: ETHAN WARNER
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I hope this hasn’t offended any of you.
That wraps it up for the latest Ethan Gazette. A special Ethan Takes A Holiday edition will be next, featuring Ethan’s trips to Scotland and Norwich. How is Ethan sleeping in faraway places? Does he like being bathed in an oversized bucket? Just how quick can a baby go from laughter to complete meltdown? Find out the answers to all this and more in the next edition.
Thank you for reading. Your attention makes me strut.
- Jason, father and Editor of the Ethan Gazette
