Welcome to Ethan Gazette Volume 9 , Ethan Goes On Holiday Edition, the world's finest source for Ethan's holiday adventure stories. We here at the Ethan Gazette can also promise right up front that no phones have been hacked to get any of the forthcoming information. What, we can't do topical humor? Whatever, go start your own Gazette and try to make it timeless. You just go ahead and try. Please don't try. I don't want your competition.
You will recall from the last edition that I was mauled by an ironic tiger and lost both my arms. Given that my daily job requires typing at a high speed, I was starting to rack up more concussions than is preferable. I am pleased to tell you that I have since been outfitted with brand new arms that I got on sale at the local Armory. They're a little hairier than I wanted and there's a strange tattoo of a blue dragon with pink fairy wings breathing a rainbow, but these are the kinds of sacrifices I have to make as a father. The bionic arms with fondue pot add-on will have to remain a distant dream.
Now that I have spent most of Ethan's university fund on hairy fairy arms, I must continue my advertising relationship with Mortimer Montgomery. Here is another essential(?) item. I'm working on a new advertiser. I don't think MM understands our demographic. Anyway, here they are again.
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Hello, friends.
The time of winter is upon us. This is if you are in a region that experiences seasons. Are you reading this in California or in the middle of the desert? Then you may go away from this advertisement. Wait. In the desert you also experience cold in the evening time. This message is also for you. Have you already gone away? Please come back. If this message is being read by a desert couple and one of the couple has gone away could you the person who is still reading this go and get that other person to read this advertisement? I will wait. I am done waiting. You are cold in the evening time because that is what happens in the autumn. Do your feet and your toes get cold and chilly? Are you taking up a great deal of time rubbing them in an attempt to create friction which creates warmth? Are you missing most of your child's life because you are attending to your cold feet? Do you have socks and trendy Ugg boots and even a blanket but even this is unable to penetrate the chill in your feet? Then I feel like you are ready for the latest innovation from our subterranean, vegan, hairless, all-tenor lab workers: The Shinstrapped Portable Fireplace. Made out of high gloss marble, the Shinstrapped Portable Fireplace is the ideal solution to warm up your feet. Here's how it works. There are straps. There is a fireplace made of marble with room for straps. Strap the fireplace to your shin, attach the asbestos-lined Heat Direction Cone, point it at your feet, and there you have it, you have heat directed at your feet by fire, which is the best way to heat things. Have you become hungry because you are so cold? Roast something in the fire. We also sell accessories such as a miniature tin for beans, a miniature bellows, or a miniature bear skin rug - made from real miniature bears - for ambiance. What an attractive scene will be laid out on your shins. It is also a comfortable scene because they only weigh ten pounds each. How much would you pay to have feet that are warm all the time? I can hear you say close to infinity dollars. For you though it is only $14,566 for the pair and we will throw in a free miniature bellows. Because as Mortimer Montgomery used to say, 'You show me a man with warm feet, and I'll show you a man with feet that are warm.'
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In the months since our last edition, Ethan has become 8 months old, and we can finally set him free into the world to make his own way. Sara is reading this over my shoulder and tells me that's not the case. Apparently the scale of our commitment to this child is far more than I was anticipating.
And now it's time for the -
Ethan Gazette Special Edition: Ethan Goes on (Two) Holidays!
Special Edition: Ethan Goes on (Two) Holidays!
- Our first-ever proper trip with Ethan was to Scotland, land of the Scots. Sara's parents own a caravan there in Creetown, which is in southwest Scotland. In the past, we've lucked out with the weather. Glorious sunshine-filled days. In both of our previous visits, we drove up in the rain, arrive in sunshine, and then drive home in the rain. This time, the weather outsmarted us and rained and winded on us the entire time. Ethan however, did not mind this. In fact he took the opportunity to sleep through the entire night for the first time! And then was a little terror the entire rest of the day. Oh, poor baby, did you get TOO MUCH sleep? Get over it. Go get a job already.
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- On our second trip, we went to Norwich, which is about four hours drive to our east. This trip will never again take four hours. Not with Ethan. Not with him going stir crazy in his car seat. I can see the transition happen in his little baby eyes. At first he views the road trip as an exciting diversion…
…This is gonna be great. Me and the parents on a trip together. I am ready to take it all in. I am ready for a journey and a HALF guys. What's there to worry about? Look at all this stuff hanging off my car seat! I've got a snake with dangly bits on. I'm gonna hit those dangly bits! Take THAT dangly bits! Hey dangly bits - get in my baby mouth! Yeah! Yeah I've put you in my MOUTH dangly bits! Hahahaha! Ha...Haha...look at that scenery whooshing by, am I right? Do you know how fast we are going right now? This is blowing my tiny baby mind. Look at it. It's going and going. That's what it's doing. Over and over again. And again. And again. And again. And...dangly...bits...I HATE IT. I hate everything! I want out! Why have you trapped me here?! I want to roll about and play! I was promised a much better time. I am going to YELL! I AM YELLING! GET ME OUT! OUUUUUTTTTT!!!…
…Several times throughout the journey, I’d look over at Ethan and find him asleep, his cute little face in the cutest repose. A minute later I’d look back at him and his eyes were a self-imposed Clockwork Orange situation, unblinkingly awake, radiating his over-churned baby rage.
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- For the Norwich departure, our sincerest hope and wish was to depart from our home at about 3pm. We packed what we could the night before and – let’s just have a word here about traveling with a baby. You need So. Much. Stuff. Sara and I were already pretty bad at overpacking. Even a weekend away would require a giant piece of airplane-hold-sized luggage each. Because you just never know if you will need those additional 5 shirts because what if you fall into 4 mud holes or get mauled by 4 tigers or you decide to play Torrid Soap Opera Love Scene and rip off 4 shirts?? Ethan needs his giant change bag, special crib thingy so he sleeps well, his mobile thingy that sits above his special crib thingy, his bathing bucket, his alarm that tells us if he’s stopped breathing in the night, his car seat, his bag of toys, his 1/2000th scale model of Parliament, his full collection of cardigans, and his trio of didgeridoos.
I had work until 2, therefore saddling Sara with finishing up the packing we hadn’t finished – which was most of it. I didn’t appreciate that packing is vastly more complicated given the amount of stuff to pack, finding a staging area for all that stuff when nearly every spare square foot we have is taken up by Ethan’s stuff, trying to pack stuff when all the stuff is in the bedroom and that happens to be where Ethan takes a nap and you put Ethan down for a nap so you can wash a dish so you don’t come home to a pile of disease-ridden dishes but he doesn't take a nap which is WORSE because then he’s CRYING and you can't PACK when the baby is CRYING you can only try to hold off your OWN crying while you take care of Ethan’s crying and SQUELCH the baby has evacuated the entire backed up contents of his bowels managing to turn the formerly pristine white interior of his nappy into an overwhelming brown.
Therefore, by the time I got home, the packing had advanced in that a suitcase had been moved about a foot. Somehow the packing dragged on until past 4pm. It may have had something to do with my 20 minute leisurely lunch and the fact that I am under the perpetual delusion that packing will only take another 5 minutes. My preferred method of packing is to saunter from room to room, wondering why we haven’t left yet. Surely it’s not MY fault. Didn’t you see me put something in a case half an hour ago? My obligations to this packing process are complete!
By the time I squeezed the last didgeridoo into the overstuffed car, Ethan was screeching in frustration and hunger. 6 hours later, he was making similar sounds as we rolled on and on through dark roads to get to Norwich. But even at 11:30 we gave him his bath, put on his lullabye music and he was asleep as he hit the mattress. He was absolutely lovely the rest of the weekend.
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You know what, I’m going to say that’s the end of this edition. Who are you to say you want another section of Ethan Gazette Volume 9? If I try to add another section, there will never be an Ethan Gazette Volume 10. And doesn’t the world need an Ethan Gazette Volume 10? Do not answer that.
I hope this reaches all of you in fine health, and I hope your plans for 2012 include frivolity, hugs, cake, laughter and mischief.
- Jason, father and only staff writer of the Ethan Gazette
