Hello subscribers! Welcome to Volume 6 of the Ethan Gazette, the best - only? - source for all your Ethan and Ethan's parents-related news. But mostly Ethan. But hey, what are we, chopped liver? Or in Sara's case, chopped vegetarian imitation-liver?
This week we have seen our circulation rise to nearly TWENTY PEOPLE, and therefore our sponsorship continues. Once again, I turn over the words to whoever copywrites for Mortimer Montgomery.
---- Hello, friends. Perhaps you are one of the many people who experience rage. You are in traffic and you are being a good driver, and then someone drives badly near you. And the rage comes up out of you like a ragecano and you hope their car would explode, like a carcano. Or you are a new parent and your otherwise cute and delightful infant refuses to drink from a bottle as if he doesn't know how to do it even though he's drunk from a bottle at least 18 dozen times so therefore he KNOWS how to do it so why in the name of heaven above won't he do it why why why? When you are full of rage and raging like a ragecano do you wish you had a good way to dissipate it that doesn't involve bludgeoning, murder, or worse? Do friends call you puce face? We assume that your answer is yes to all of these questions. Therefore, enjoy the latest offering from our subterranean lab workers: Mortimer Montgomery's Rage Helmet. How does it work? You pull the helmet over your head. You pop your ears through the ear holes. You yell a series of invectives into the helmet, which catches your rage and your spittle. Then you throw away the helmet, symbolizing the throwing away of your rage. Because your ears remained outside the helmet, you will not be subject to deafness, a problem regretfully experienced in the first version of the Rage Helmet. The Rage Helmet is made of a durable blend of cotton and rayon and a sprinkling of asbestos to make it fire retardant, in case your rage starts a fire, which has been known to happen, based on the documentary film, Firestarter. Friends, you have money. You have rage. Spend your money to get your rage out. It's proven in a medical way that unexpressed rage leads to several awful conditions, including - Face Implosion - Explosion Face- Distended Intestine - Liquidated Eyes - Late Onset Mumps The Disposable Rage helmet costs a reasonable price. How much? $10. So you are best off getting a Rage Helmet. Thank you, bye. ---
- Is our laundry mating and having laundry babies? I used to be under the impression that our various garments were dormant, inanimate objects, whose only purpose was to keep us clothed until we can finally join that French nudist colony. Eat a chocolate croissant in the nude sometime, you'll get it. But lately it's become clear that our laundry has gained sentience and is mating in some kind of cotton-on-cotton bacchanalia, or it's trying to Organize. We can not recall the last time we saw the bottom of the laundry basket.
- Ethan has definitely caught on to smiling, and sometimes he smiles so big, it's like a smile bubble pops and his face returns to normal. Even at 4am in the midst of a feed, while Sara readjusted him, he leaned his head back and grinned at me. I registered this with delight for about half a second before crashing into the pillow and going right back to sleep. I love him and his smiles, but the only way you're keeping me up at 4am is...well, you're not, is the point. I'm going back to bed.
- Ethan has the softest baby skin everywhere and it's so cuteandsosoftandIjustwanttorub
- Sleep Update: Ethan Refuses To (Go To) Sleep! All evidence points to his continuing jerkdom in this area, for we are doing all the right things. We are continuing his routine of boob, naked time (only for him, unfortunately), bath, boob, bed. I venture to you that any reasonable human being would delight in this for a bedtime routine, but no, it's not good enough for our particular human being! Ethan's jerkdom extends to faking us out by *appearing* to be asleep when he hits the bed. He even puts his arms up over his head like he's surrendering to the Sandman. Minutes later, as we sit down for our dinner, fresh and hot and inviting with all of its smells and food-like texture, this is when he wakes up and is SO ANGRY to be in bed! Is our sentient laundry taunting him, saying they've seen cuter babies?! What could be happening to rouse him so? So Sara goes in and I follow in solidarity. Sara presents a boob, which during the day he expertly sucks on for sustenance. At night though, he will try out several different verbs with increasing frustration. He will headbutt her boob, chew her boob, *fellate* her boob. Anything but actually feed from it. On and on it goes. Our food changes to a vague remnant of edibility through multiple reheats. By the time he finally falls asleep, and the dishes are done, and the bath clean, and the laundry intercepted on their way to their laundry rendezvous, it's past 11. We watch a bit of television with glazed faces, both wanting to be in bed more than anything, but defiantly insisting on having a bit of the evening to ourselves.
- Ethan's Height And Weight Stats! Ethan has blossomed into a 12 pound baby, where he's remained steadily for a couple of weeks now, putting him in the 50th percentile. I don't have the measurement for how tall he is, but he's taller than 90% of other babies. Take THAT, other-babies-who-didn't-know-
That wraps it up for this edition of the Ethan Gazette. Thank you for reading! You are a good person...because you are reading this Gazetteand therefore rewarding me with attention. You should feel good about that.
